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The Integrated Coaching Academy

Where Coaching and Counselling Connect

Prince harry, grief and how to really help

Prince Harry has gone very public about his mental health struggles resulting from the death of his mother, Princess Diana. In Apple TV’s ‘The Me You Can’t See’ he says he ‘boxed up his emotions’ for 20 years.

It’s true; people often attempt to deal with life’s losses and traumas by disconnecting and switching off their feelings.

The ‘box-it-up’ method can work for a while, as it did for Harry, but what tends to happen over time is that the lid of the box begins to lift all on its own and the anger and despair begin to tumble out in an uncontrolled way. For Harry, the lid of the box seems to have really started to open after his marriage to Meghan and the build up to the birth of his first child created a psychological pattern match to the trauma of his mother’s death.

Harry was filmed in an EMDR session with his therapist. It seems to have really helped. I wish he could also experience the Rewind Technique which was originated by Dr David Muss in the 1970s. It can be even more effective. I did some training with David. As a newly qualified psychotherapist many years ago, I was so amazed by the successes I was having for my PTSD clients that I wrote a book about it. It works in a similar way to EMDR by grounding the client and setting a cognitive task that anchors the brain into the neo cortex. It’s less well known simply because it hasn’t attracted the research and funding of the EMDR programme originated by Francine Shapiro.

Here, an EMDR therapist gives a succinct explanation about the underlying mechanism. She says:

‘The therapy works by the therapist creating a safe and trusting space. We identify the experiences … and bring them into the room in a gentle way to reprocess those memories so the past can be in the past and our past life experiences do not continue to create stress, anxiety and triggers in our current life’

The subconscious mind

What stays in the subconscious mind has the ability to control us. Allowing suppressed emotions to safely surface can actually process long term grief in just one session... if that is what the client wants.

Sometimes, however, the bereaved just want to speak, to be allowed to explore and express their emotions in their own time and in their own way. Fortunately, a Fusion Therapeutic Coach will have the empathic attunement to understand what the client needs from their practitioner.

Yes, if they want resolution, the Rewind Technique can achieve that quickly and efficiently but if they need to talk, a Fusion Coach knows how to offer the time and space for that to happen. It’s about making the model fit the client rather than the client fit the preferred therapy style of the practitioner.

My article this week looks at suppressed grief and how the reaction to unprocessed emotions can take us by surprise many years later.

I hope it helps…

Grief and how to really help

As James sat in front of me, memory after memory of his father’s death surfaced, released, and ran softly down his face.

‘He died when I was 10’, said James. ‘It was an unexpected heart attack. He went to work one morning and didn't come home. Mum thought I was too young to go to the funeral so I went to school on that day just, like any other day.’

James's mum wasn’t being cruel. She had hoped to protect her young son from the pain of seeing her so desperately upset at the grave side. She wanted him to escape somehow the turbulent and intense range of emotions that are a part of the journey through the grieving process. So she made life as normal as possible for him. She compensated by taking him on lavish holidays, buying him the latest gadgets and putting on her ‘I'm fine’ face in the daytime.

Crying alone

She had removed all the pictures of James's father in the house and he was now rarely referred to.

The mother-who-meant-well stayed strong and kept going. She was doing a good job she told herself. After a year, James seemed fine, was doing well at school and never mentioned his father at all.

But the grief hadn’t gone away and it was only after she put James to bed at night that she allowed herself to cry. What she didn't realise was that, in bed at night, James could hear his mother crying and would often cry himself to sleep too.

Both mother and son were going through an intense range of emotions they did not want to communicate to each other, for fear of causing more upset. They had both become isolated in a shared grief for the most well-intentioned of reasons and they were making a mistake that many of us make.

I must keep going

There are plenty of laudable reasons for not dealing with grief. People have to go to work to keep their job. They have to get the kids off to school. They have to mow the lawn, do the shopping, cook and pay the bills. They think if they give way to grief, it will be like a dam has burst. They won’t be able to cope with the deluge and will drown in a flood of their own tears.

But deferring grief is like living with an undetonated bomb. We fool ourselves that if we tiptoe around it, perhaps it won’t go off.

An open wound

However the loss and grief remain as a concealed, but still-open, wound. Although we may have put a plaster over it, it will not begin to heal until we acknowledge its presence and let some light and air onto the injury.

As Prince Harry has observed, death has become a sanitised business.

We try to ignore it. We clean it up with phrases like ‘passed over’, or ‘slipped away’ rather than saying someone has died. Or we wrap it up and leave it on a shelf in a darkened room that we try not to visit.

We are taught, in the face of adversity to stand strong. We must stay in control. We have to keep a very British ‘stiff upper lip’.

But grief is not an illness. It’s a fact of life. We will all lose someone we love and we will all feel the pain. Being able to ride the intense waves of emotion that come with bereavement is an example of mind management and asking for help or talking to someone about how we really feel is a sign of emotional intelligence, not weakness.

As a therapeutic coach, I have a range of skills in my professional toolbox. But for James, as with most of my clients who are grieving, I used the simplest, yet most powerful of them all.

I listened.

Frances Masters MBACP accred GHGI

Frances Masters is a BACP accredited psychotherapist, coach, training consultant and author of the book PTSD Resolution: Reclaiming life from trauma.

In 2009, Frances founded the charity Reclaim Life; training its volunteers to work in the new, integrated coach-counselling model, Fusion.

As founding Principal of the Integrated Coaching Academy Frances gained accreditation for her training from NCFE as Customised Awards; 'The Fusion Therapeutic Coaching, Counselling and Training Diploma in Therapeutic Coaching and the distance learning programme Certificate in Therapeutic Coaching Skills'

Training programmes also include

The Integrated Coaching Academy certified Fusion Mindfulness Based Mind Management Skills Certificate

and new online training Breathe Stress Away

Fusion® Therapeutic Coaching is an approved NCFE training centre, an organisational member of he British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy and the Association for Coaching


Managing your mind: How to spot thinking errors

Posted on April 29, 2019 at 11:00 AM

Our thoughts have a powerful effect on our emotions, body and behaviours, which cannot tell the difference between something we vividly imagine and true fact. It's so easy to jump from A-Z, missing out all the letters in between.

Just imagine you see a good friend walking on the opposite side of the road. You smile and wave but they ignore you. There are a couple of ways you might react:

Reaction A

‘That’s John. Why’s he not acknowledging me?'

Well, that was rude! ‘What have I done to offend him?’

‘You can’t rely on anyone these days’

‘I’ll show him. Next time I see him, I won’t give him the chance to ignore me again. I’ll blank him first!’

Reaction B 

‘That’s John. Why’s he not acknowledging me?'

‘I wonder if he saw me?'

‘Actually, last time I was with him, he mentioned his wife was ill’

'I hope it’s nothing serious. It’s not like him to be so pre occupied’

‘Next time I see him I’ll make a point of asking how his wife’s getting along’

Managing the chimps

Thinking errors, or 'cognitive distortions' as they are often called, can result in us setting up a worry circuit that affects both body and mind. Our inner chimp is quick to make assumptions. It’s trying to help, but often gets it wrong.

We all know how jumpy chimps can be and they’re not that bright either. Can you identify any of your inner chimps below?

Baba the Black or White Thinker:

Baba talks in all or nothing terms with no areas of grey or other possibilities. She will say things like ‘no one likes me or ‘everything in my life is awful’.

Baba would do better to look for the grey areas, all the possibilities, options and possibilities. She might ask herself ‘What’s the worst that could happen? What’s the best that could happen and what are all the options in between?’

Keith the Catastrophiser:

Keith is a real drama queen when it comes to the future and everything assumes nightmarish proportions. When Keith is running the show, he will say things like ‘That’s going to be the worst thing ever!’ or ‘It’ll be a total disaster!’

Let’s be honest, Keith, earthquakes and tsunamis are disasters. Anything less than that is just a problem and the human brain loves solving problems. Keith needs to remember that overcoming challenges is how we learn and acquire wisdom. When we make mistakes or things go wrong, we are simply learning a way not to do it. Keith is an example of a chimp who is misusing his imagination to frighten himself.

Mick the Mind Reader:

Mick thinks he can tell what other people are thinking of him and it’s not very nice!

If Mick sees John in the street and John ignores him, Mick imagines that he has upset his friend and racks his brain over all recent conversations looking for ways in which he has offended. Next time he sees John he’s offhand, not considering that John may just have been thinking about something else that day and not seen him.

Just because you think something, Mick, doesn’t mean it’s true.

Brenda Bossy Boots:

If you find yourself thinking things like ‘I ought to, should, I must’, then Brenda is trying to rule you with her tyrannical thinking. There are so many rules in Brenda’s world that guilt is always present. Brenda’s voice can sound like a disapproving teacher or parent.

Challenge Brenda. Try breaking her rules. Expand the boundaries of your life and feel the benefit. Let’s face it; life’s too short to live someone else’s!

I’m always right

Notice how your thoughts connect to physical and emotional feelings and unhelpful behaviours in the diagram above. Start with a trigger event, which may be a thought and then consider the ripple effect between mind, body and action.

If you are going to a party and have the thought ‘no one will want to talk to me because I’m boring’, you might feel anxious or have a sense of dread as the party approaches. You might notice physical tension, like a knot in the stomach or tight shoulders. When you get to the party (if you bother to go after all that negative self talk) as you walk in your body language is likely to send out ‘I don’t want to be here’ signals. You might stand at the side of the room, not engaging with the people you think will find you boring, so one talks to you.

You leave thinking you were right all along!

On the other hand, if you approach the party with the thought ‘I wonder who will be there. It’s always interesting to meet new people and find out about their lives. Perhaps I’ll make a new friend’, the chances are, as the party approaches you are looking forward to it and the opportunities it will bring.

As you walk into the room, you make eye contact with a member of one group. You strike up a conversation and show genuine interest in what they do for a living, their hobbies and interests. They introduce you to someone else. You focus on others rather than yourself. As the evening continues, you’re introduced to other people who have a sense of your warmth towards them. Someone invites you to another party next week.

And you leave thinking you were right all along!

Once we have a belief firmly in place, we look for evidence that we are right and filter out any evidence we are wrong

'Change the thought, change the feeling' is a classical CBT mantra.

It's a concept that is so simple to understand, but is not always so easy to do... as our clients are often quick to remind us!

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